Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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