I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
