am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
