Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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