you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize