And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
