my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
