So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
