i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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