My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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