she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
