i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
