My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
