i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
