I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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