i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
