I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
