i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
