I'm so fucking centered right now
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
