i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
