I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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