3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
