please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
