omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
