It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
