Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
All I want is dick and wine.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
