I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
