I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
