it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
