He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
