just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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