I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
