you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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