so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
