I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
