John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I fill condoms, not promises.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
