dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
