so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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