rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
