I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize