Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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