the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
