You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She's the barista slut.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
