I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I think we might need a safe word for this...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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