Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Randomize
