Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
