when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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