i may or may not be watching the land before time
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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