How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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