omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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