Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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