my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
