I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
