Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
