I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
