I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
