you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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