End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
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