Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
