My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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