Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
