The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
