I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
